I don't know that I can point to an exact moment and say "that was it... that's the moment when everything changed...," but over the last four months, I've definitely been changing. I'm not saying it was an over night change, nor do I intend to lead you to believe that it has been easy, because I assure you, it has not, but I'm not the same person today that I was even a month ago.
Over the summer, I spent many, many hours with a group of people that, for the most part, didn't know me. I didn't realize at the time what a gift that was. Spending hours and hours every week with a group of people who had absolutely no idea who I am as a person (with the exception of one solitary person, who I know accepts me no matter what) really gave me the opportunity to open up and discover myself.
These last two months have been particularly challenging as I no longer spend hours and hours with my FACT family every week. I'm back in the "real world," where people know me and have expectations. But thankfully, I've found the courage and boldness to continue discovering who I truly am, and every day I embrace that person more and more.
In the midst of all this change and self-discovery, I've really struggled with how my soon-to-be-27 life looks: Single. The struggle hasn't been that I'm single (although at times that in itself IS a struggle), but rather the struggle is that I've recently discovered I'm (becoming) completely happy with that. I know what you're thinking... "how is being happy in your singleness a struggle?"
Let me tell you why that's a struggle. The older I get, the fewer and fewer single friends I have, which by default means that I'm the exception, not the rule (interpreted: why aren't you married yet??). For someone like me who has lived her entire life trying to be the person everyone expects, this is difficult. Because sometimes I feel like there is something wrong with me. Sometimes (most of the time, actually) I feel like it's not ok for me to be indifferent to -- even happy in-- my singleness.
My other major struggle has been that I've finally found a job that I think I could end up loving for a long time. Again... "why the struggle?" you ask. Well, to be honest, the struggle is that my job isn't all that glamorous. I'm not doing amazing things for God (missionary, ministry, etc.). I'm not even doing amazing things in general (firefighter, doctor, working for a big-name company). Is it really OK for me to be proud of and completely love my job, when it seems so menial?
It may seem like I'm rambling, but here's where it all comes to a point. This morning's message at church was on the life of Esther. I've known how her story goes since I was a little girl, but today it really hit home. I (not surprisingly) was brought to tears over the following (para)phrase spoken from the pulpit today:
"God has a specific role for you to play. Don't waste your life worrying about who you're not, but rather focus on who God has made you to be. Embrace the person God has made you and the role He has made you to play."
We were reminded that Esther didn't choose the extraordinary life God had planned for her. She didn't choose to lose her parents and be raised by a cousin. She didn't choose to be uprooted from her home and taken to the palace. However, she DID choose to follow God. She DID choose to embrace the role God had for her to play. She DID choose to be used of God in the salvation of her people.
The past four months have been a struggle-- the good kind of struggle-- as I discover more and more things about myself. And up until today, I thought that embracing this new-found me wasn't ok.
But maybe, just maybe, allowing myself to be who I really am isn't such a bad thing.
And maybe, just maybe, God wants me to learn to fall in love with my extraordinary ordinary life.
