Not the kind of meltdown that toddlers have in the store when their parents tell them for the hundredth time that "no, we are NOT buying that toy!" Not the kind of meltdown that teenage girls have when the "guy of their dreams" asks someone else to the prom. Not the kind of meltdown that college kids have when they're missing home, can't handle the pressure, and just want to go back to high school.
No, this was the kind of meltdown that Lacy has when she's had a handful of drastic life changes in six months and hasn't taken the time to process everything. Instead she bottles it up, tucks it away, and hopes she can just hold out till spring, when everything will magically be better.
Now, I should mention that on Monday, my uncle passed away. My great aunt, whom I adored, passed away just before Christmas. And in one month, it will be two years since my grandpa passed and 14 years since my (don't tell anyone) favorite uncle passed away.
So there I was, sitting at home alone, and the volcano, sparked by something trivial and minor, erupted. All over the place. I started crying and couldn't stop. I started questioning everything! Should I have stayed at my old job? Should I have not moved? Should I have not kept some people at arms length? Should I have not let other people get as close as they are? Am I making too many assumptions where certain people are involved? Which then turned into, will I be single forever? Will I die alone, surrounded by knitting needles? YIKES!
Thankfully, I used my "text a friend" card, and instead of texting back, my friend Rachel opted to play her "phone a friend" card. I'm so thankful for Rachel. She just GETS it. People like to tell us that they understand what it's like to be 26, single, and never have been in a relationship. They like to tell us that God has a plan for our singleness or that "Mr. Right" is out there and to be patient. HA! Rachel actually gets it. Because she's just like me. But you? You, who were married at 22 to your high school sweetheart 30 years ago? You, who had three kids by the time you were my age? No. I'm sorry, but you don't get it. Even if you genuinely want to, you just don't. And while you may be right about God having a plan or "Mr. Right" being out there, that's just not helpful. Nor is it overly comforting whilst in the midst of a meltdown. Rachel, however, gets it. She knows that even when a meltdown is completely unrelated to being single, it still somehow ends up glaring you in the face. Because in the midst of a meltdown, the loneliness sometimes overwhelms you, compounding the problem.
Anyhow, Rachel "talked me off the ledge," so to speak, and I went to bed. Yesterday, I woke up to a beautiful sunshiney day, and I thought everything would be fine. But, nope! I went to work, someone asked me what was wrong, and I lost it again. Thankfully, I have an amazing boss who told me to just take the day off. My uncle's funeral was later in the day, so I was already planning to take half the day off. I went home, to my parent's house, and spent the day thinking about my life.
One thing I realized is that I need to embrace the life I have. I have a great job (that I do, in fact, love. Just FYI to my meltdown self) that I CAN be good at! I L-O-V-E my new apartment! I have amazing friends/family that love me, regardless. And I serve a God who LOVES me beyond comprehension.
I also realized that perhaps one key to embracing the life I have is letting go. Letting go of things I can't change. Letting go of things in my past that hold me back. Letting go of future possibilities that I have zero control over. Letting go of the idealistic picture in my head of what my life was supposed to look like at 26. Another key to embracing life (brought to my attention by my dear friend Rachel... the one who just gets it) is setting goals. Goals for this month. Goals for this year. Professional goals. Personal goals. Spiritual goals.
So this week, my plan is to do just that: Set goals, embrace life, & let go.
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